The Morning News – Transcripts of OnStar Service Conversations Not Selected for Commercials:

“OnStar: Hello, OnStar.

Customer: Hi, I have a problem.

OnStar: How can I help, sir?

Customer: Imumm27, and still a virgin.

OnStar: How old are you really, sir?

Customer: Twenty-nine?

OnStar: Sir?

Customer: Thirty-six.

OnStar: [partially off mike] Holy shit!

Customer: [muffled crying]

OnStar: OK, sir, I need you to stay with me and listen very closely. Im going to ask you some diagnostic questions to pinpoint the problem. Do you own action figures?

Customer: Yes.

OnStar: And if your Grakthorian Troll with +12 charisma and 170 hit points were to be attacked by a gelatinous cube, what would you do?

Customer: I would don my cloak of invisibility and bypass the cube to enter the dungeons of Dalagdon.

OnStar: I think I know the answer to the next one, but they make me run down the whole list. Do you live with your mother, or a spinster aunt?

Customer: Both. [weeping]

[lj-cut]

OnStar: And how often do you masturbate?

Customer: What? Never!

OnStar: Sir.

Customer: Three times a day.

OnStar: And do you look at anime comics while you engage in self-pleasure?

Customer: How did you know?

OnStar: Thank you for your patience, sir, I think were just about at a solution. What Im seeing here is that you are going to have to pay for sex. Is this Visa you have on file with us good to use?

Customer: Yeah, uh, it should be

OnStar: Sounds good. Well forward your payment info on to the dispatching office. Now, what I want you to do is drive 6.2 miles north to the corner of Laurel Avenue, and wait there for a Miss Star. Shell be wearing a leopard-skin skirt and an OnStar jacket. Shell take care of you from there. All right, I just sent the detailed directions to your on-board navigation system.

Customer: Wow, thank you, OnStar! Maybe I can come thank you in person some time!

OnStar: Wed rather you didnt.”